A stranger

“Just wait until you have kids, you’ll see how much it changes everything…..” most of us have heard some derivative of this, right?

I’ve always known who I was. When I had my son, everything changed. Not in a bad way, but it did change. I went from working six days 50+ hours a week to staying at home. I stayed home while pregnant actually because of some complications. That in itself was a huge adjustment. Typically, I was fiercely independent. So, the idea of depending on someone else was tough. But, this was my new role, a stay at home mom. I always swore that when I had children, I would immediately go back to work. I never wanted to stay home and I certainly never wanted to depend on my husband to solely support us. But, things just haven’t worked that way.

I would be lying if I said I haven’t struggled. Sometimes, I look at myself and it’s like looking at a stranger passing by me in Target (obviously). Some days, I’ve sat down and cried because I feel like I am drowning. I often question what do I bring to the table? Do I have anything appealing about me anymore? I look for constant reassurance from my husband, which I’m sure is utterly exhausting to him.

•• This was a post on my Instagram from February of 2017. I’m still trying to find that girl••

Talking to a very dear friend of mine the other day, she said she feels as though she’s standing behind a glass wall and it’s shattering but she can’t control or fix any of it. It has been so long since I have related to someone so deeply. That little statement has stuck with me because it is absolutely how I feel.

There are moments when I’m so annoyed that all my son wants is me and then I feel immediate guilt for feeling the tiniest bit annoyed. I consistently beat myself up if I don’t do “enough” with Landon during the day. I didn’t take him to the park, I promised a day at the pool but the pool was closed, we didn’t color….. When we finally head to bed after a long day I can’t sleep. My husband says “babe, what’s wrong? Just go to sleep” but I don’t tell him that I’m disappointed in myself for getting upset with Landon, or that my constant worrying if I’m the mother I should, be is what keeps me up at night.

I’ve come to realize that not everyday will be like this. There are mornings when I wake up, ready! Ready for whatever is thrown at me that day; literally and figuratively — it’s usually eggs, sausage and yogurt. Those days when I wake up ready, it’s my glimmer of hope. A subtle reminder from God that I won’t always feel this way.

A reminder to myself and all other Momma’s. You are enough, give yourself some grace. We are on this wild ride together and you are not alone ♥️

Xo.

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